30 Day Focus Challenge: Missing a day after 13 in a row

I let meditation go until after dinner, and then had a class at 7, which went to nine, and boom, felt like I’d done enough ‘work’ for the day, at some level, and failed.

So, I need bloody timers, which I hate setting, and which weirdly just never work, and / or I need a goddamn schedule to create a real trigger. 

I think it’s gotta be coffee. It’s the one thing I always do when I get up… after medicating the cat, myself, and cleaning the kitchen.

I’m gonna do it while drinking the coffee, which takes some random amount of time. After I’ve had Enough; before it’s done. It can get cold, that’s not a big deal. Or the ice can melt.

My meditation app wants a check in before I meditate, but not one after, which seems dumb; what I find interesting about meditation is that there are things I learn about my current state of mind that fly below the radar normally. How agitated am I? How accepting am I? Is that resignation, depression? Am I looking backward or forward?

Generally backwards, nowadays, as flashes of images of the places I’ve lived life flutter through my mind’s eye, a kaleidoscope I can’t control, except, perhaps, to linger in an image, a moment, and a feeling of the quality of that light. Lying on an oriental carpet, thick and luxurious patterns in blue and white, reading a christmas present, a hardcover Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, the smell of the woodfire, the popping and cracking of the logs, and the scent of pine trees from the backyard, the muted conversation of adults, parents and grand parents and aunts and great aunts now all dead and gone. The translucent bars of neutragina soap in my grandparents big bathroom, the one with two vanities and the long wall mirror. My grandfathers shaving mirror, projecting from the wall on its brass accordion, and the boar bristle brush and its little round cake of soap. 

All these people now dead and gone. Murmuring voices echoing inside me.

Fuck aging. I want to be young again. I am young inside–and not in a good way. Trapped in this gently decaying structure. 

There are things I fear I will never accept.

I’ll slip into the void screaming, “NO!”